!

Its been a few days.
I always get lazy with updates.

I havent left for Renfew yet. I will be soon, they'll call my dad tomorrow and I'll know then.
I actually just want to leave now.
Things arent getting much better.

My mom and me still dont get along that well.
But thats not new.
Im just hoping after i go and we have family sessions, we can get alot of these things straightened out.

My dads not much better.
He seems to think that if he can just get me to eat, I'll get better.
But nobody understands .. that makes me feel so much worse.

No-one understands why I do this.
Maybe they just cant relate.
and no, its not because I want "control". Because I know, I cant handle control.
I just want this, because I always have.
Even when I was little.
I dont do it for attention, no-one really pays attention to me anyway.
Now when I have problems, its just "Just ignore it, the attention just encourages her".
But when someone does ask.
All I have to say is the same story.
So I can understand why they say I need to "suck it up" and "get over this".

But its not that easy for me.
I dont know really.

What would make me feel better ?
I dont even know.
I dont want to be so godamn ugly.
You can tell me im not, and its not that im ungrateful. Its just hard to believe.
I dont see it.
The only things I see wrong with me are my face, I just looks disfigured or something. I cant seem to say EXACTLY what about it looks so bad.
But also my body.
[ now before I go on, I must note, I know damn well alot of people will disagree with me on this, But you dont understand how I feel about myself and why I want this ]
I hate my body.
It just seems .. fat.
Like my legs, no matter how much weight I lose, they stay the same.
Along with my stomach and arms.
It just dosnt go away.

I dont know what to do about it.
I feel like just taking scissors to it and cutting it off.
But that would be a bit ... drastic, and painful.

I know what im doing is unhealthy.
But I dont care. I cant bring myself to care about what this "disorder" is doing to me.

Maybe, if I looked better. People would like me.
Now I know theres many reasons people may not like me.
But I just seem to think this is the main one.

Its now 1:30pm.
Im ranting and rambling.
And its got me upset.
So I should stop typing.

So I just got back from getting blood tests and a psychologist appointment.
Now its official.
Within the next 7 days I'll be in Renfrew.

Anyway,
I've found this new game. Silkroad.
And its just ... great.

I've been playing it for days now.

You should, join too.
So we can Hunt in packs.
:DD

So its 2:07am and I cant sleep.
Theres something bothering me. But I cant seem to figure out what.
Its been bothering me for a few days now.

I just seem nervous.
Maybe about leaving. Who knows.

I dont know whats going on with Brittany.
I finally brought all this up tonight.

She claims she dosnt actually like him. and she dosnt know why she agreed to go out with him.
But that dosnt make sense, or atleast to me it ..

I dont know whats up with her.
I think I shouldnt bother. Just for various reasons.

But other than that, I dont have any plans yet today.
It being easter and all, I probably should. But .. I dont.

Easter is dead to me.

Theres nothing to do anymore but play RPG's. Theyre becoming my life, that and myspace.
Everyone else has plans, and places to go.

I think im doing something wrong.

First entrys always suck.
I dont know what to say.




But I go to Renfrew in a few days, or sometime this week.
Im having mixed feelings about that.

Im scared, because 35 days away from home is quite a long time.
and I know I'll miss a select few.

But I dont know really.
Because, going to "rehab" I guess you could say, is never a good thing.
I dont think I really need it.

But I do think being away for awhile may help.
Or thats what alot of people have told me.

Its not like its out of control or im being un-realistic about it.

But anyway.

I wanted to see Carly and Arianna tonight, but we all totally forgot Easter was tomorow, and so out plans were terminated.
Hence another night spent online accomplishing absolutely nothing.

But thats not new.
I think I'll just be playing The sims2.
Like I have been for the past 2 months.

I dont feel well.
and honestly, I dont have anything else to say.

So I'll keep this on private.
As to not draw attention to myself, not that anyone knows this exists.

p.s. Someone find me a life, please.